32 AND FREE

 

I turned 32 yesterday. I hit 30 weeks in my pregnancy and I got called an old lady twice. Just a few numbers I thought I'd start with. I feel great, I like this season in life. There's a lot of confidence, yet still a lot of discovery about myself and the woman God's continually molding.

A couple of weeks ago, I grabbed some lunch by myself after getting some routine lab work done. Hungry and alone in a full café, I was on the hunt for the perfect solo seat. I scanned my two options, an open seat by a window and a more secluded seat in a quiet corner. Like a moth I quickly gravitated to the light. As I sat down and prepared to eat, the conversation of the two young girls behind me became louder. Now, let me tell you something...I am not above the recreational eavesdropping  when sitting alone in a crowded café, coffee shop, bus...wherever! One of the girls was telling her friend about her "List" of qualities for her future husband. As she spewed off some of the 'Deal Breakers' such as, must play an instrument, must be a pastor or missionary, must bring her red roses, I began to rethink my choice in seat. I won't lie, my first instinct was to update my Facebook status, poking a little fun at the girl. I resisted the urge and tried to focus on my lunch. The girl continued her long list and every now and then would throw in an almost robotic "...but whatever God wants." I began to feel a little bad for her and all of the parameters she put on God and the man he had designed for her. I became grateful, that I never made one of those 'Lists' in my younger years, I became grateful that I gave God complete control over my future husband. More than anything, I became grateful that my husband never made a 'List' I doubt, 'Irrational' 'Loud' 'Quick-tempered' 'Strong-Willed' would have been on his list.

As I left the restaurant, the girls conversation began to resonate with me even more. I realized that true, I never made a 'List' for my future husband, but I was still guilty of the same crime this young girl had committed. I realized that the last few years I had been writing a list for God, every now and then I'll throw in an obligatory "...but whatever you want Lord" but still, I had given him my own set of parameters. Ask me how many children I want...4 biological, 2 adopted...God Willing. Ask me where I'd like to live one day...a home by my parents, not too big, but with a huge yard...God Willing. And my list continues...God Willing. I became overwhelmed with the lack of trust I have for God. I realize that had I made a 'List' while single, for my future husband, it would not have even come close to the amazing man God had already created for me. The qualities on that list would have seemed so trivial compared to the qualities God provided for me. Yet here I am, with a trivial list, knowing that God has a list of his own for me and my family. He has something much greater than I could ever anticipate, I just need to let go. I let go of  'Lists' and I say 'Lord, I want what you have for me' 'I want to go where you lead me' 'I want to live, walk, run, soar where you place me.' I am free when I put down the parameters I've set up for myself and for my God. I am free.