About 3 weeks ago we met her. We first laid eyes on our sweet, amazing, little baby girl who we affectionately named Selah Rose. We held her, kissed her and welcomed her into the world, into our family and into our hearts. Now before we got to all that, we had a bit of a...journey.
After a long day of non stop contractions, we finally decided to head to the hospital around midnight. I half expected to get sent home, but turns out after 9 long months of waiting, we were ready to have this little gal. At 1 in the morning we prepared for my third c-section, a week ahead of my scheduled one. Everyone prepped me, I signed all the proper forms...blood transfusions forms....husband has permission to make emergency decisions forms....yada yada yada...you know things that we would never really put to use. I cracked a couple jokes, kissed my husband and we were ready to go!
At 4 in the morning we welcomed this beautiful baby into the world, after dreaming of her little face, I finally got to see it, hear her little cry. As is goes with c-sections I didn't get to hold her and as they began to close me up they had Steve and Selah leave the O.R.. So there I laid on the operating table and suddenly the worst pain came over me (and that's while heavily medicated!). I tried the best I could to verbalize my pain, but all that could come out was "OW!" I repeated it over and over, louder and louder. I could hear them on the other side of the curtain trying to figure out what was bringing the pain. It felt like someone was manhandling my insides, I can only describe the feeling as if someone stuffing my insides back in with their elbow. Soon enough I heard someone say "We're going to put you under General Anesthesia" and I think I uttered "Thank you" and that's the last I remember.
Here is what I know, 2 or 3 hours later I woke up in the recovery room, Steve and my dad both there, neither one telling me what happened. Apparently, I lost 4 L of blood in the operating room, after they had closed me up, they opened me back up to find that my uterus would not contract and I was hemorrhaging. My husband was asked if he'd agree to letting them remove my uterus if needed to save my life. He's told me that at that point he did a lot of pacing and praying. (side note: he loves me!) Thankfully, they were able to insert a "balloon" inside me to help my Uterus. I was closed back up and woke up, hooked up to morphine, oxygen, blood being put back in, blood still coming out....basically there was something connected to every nook and cranny! The next day as we laid in the High Risk Unit at the hospital I learned a little more, and both my doctors encouraged me to rethink having a 4th baby due to the risk. If you know Steve and I, then you know how crazy we are and how we wanted to put the Brady Bunch and Partridge family to shame with our own large group of rug rats, donning my dimples and his freakishly large feet. Needless to say, this news really changed the direction of those plans.
So here I am, my body pretty beat up (one of our nurses told us she can't remember seeing someone lose as much blood as I eventually did), my future pregnancy plans changed. But here is the deal, I was okay. I had this beautiful little girl who came out of this whole thing unscathed. She is healthy and eating and sleeping. My wounds will eventually heal, my body will slowly recoup, my plans while changed in our minds have always been given to God. There was peace and understanding that God was working the entire time. I have sometimes wondered why God could not have made my body more strong, better equipped and I am realizing that he has, he's made my body strong enough to get through these things, strong enough to heal and surive.
Once I was home, I came across a scripture that my cousin's beautiful wife Denise had posted...
"The Lord will give strength to His people; The Lord will bless His people with peace." Psalm 29:11
I quickly realized why I had been okay in this situation, I am his, and because of this I am strong, because I am his I have peace.
You see God's love for us is perfect, it is flawless. This will never make me or my life perfect or flawless. I will still have trials, I can still be shaken, my world can be rocked, my body twisted, it will not always be easy or pretty, but here is the silver lining...here is the beauty of it all, God has made his people strong, he will give his people peace! It's what I felt, it's a promise, it's real.
Lastly, through all of this there are beautiful blessings that await me and my family.
"So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever." - 2 Corinthians 4: 16-18 (MSG)
"In God we boast all day long, and praise Your name forever. Selah"