SELAH

About 3 weeks ago we met her. We first laid eyes on our sweet, amazing, little baby girl who we affectionately named Selah Rose. We held her, kissed her and welcomed her into the world, into our family and into our hearts. Now before we got to all that, we had a bit of a...journey. 

 

After a long day of non stop contractions, we finally decided to head to the hospital around midnight. I half expected to get sent home, but turns out after 9 long months of waiting, we were ready to have this little gal. At 1 in the morning we prepared for my third c-section, a week ahead of my scheduled one. Everyone prepped me, I signed all the proper forms...blood transfusions forms....husband has permission to make emergency decisions forms....yada yada yada...you know things that we would never really put to use. I cracked a couple jokes, kissed my husband and we were ready to go!

 

At 4 in the morning we welcomed this beautiful baby into the world, after dreaming of her little face, I finally got to see it, hear her little cry. As is goes with c-sections I didn't get to hold her and as they began to close me up they had Steve and Selah leave the O.R.. So there I laid on the operating table and suddenly the worst pain came over me (and that's while heavily medicated!). I tried the best I could to verbalize my pain, but all that could come out was "OW!" I repeated it over and over, louder and louder. I could hear them on the other side of the curtain trying to figure out what was bringing the pain. It felt like someone was manhandling my insides, I can only describe the feeling as if someone stuffing my insides back in with their elbow. Soon enough I heard someone say "We're going to put you under General Anesthesia" and I think I uttered "Thank you" and that's the last I remember.

 

Here is what I know, 2 or 3 hours later I woke up in the recovery room, Steve and my dad both there, neither one telling me what happened. Apparently, I lost 4 L of blood in the operating room, after they had closed me up, they opened me back up to find that my uterus would not contract and I was hemorrhaging. My husband was asked  if he'd agree to letting them remove my uterus if needed to save my life. He's told me that at that point he did a lot of pacing and praying. (side note: he loves me!) Thankfully, they were able to insert a "balloon" inside me to help my Uterus. I was closed back up and woke up, hooked up to morphine, oxygen, blood being put back in, blood still coming out....basically there was something connected to every nook and cranny! The next day as we laid in the High Risk Unit at the hospital I learned a little more, and both my doctors encouraged me to rethink having a 4th baby due to the risk. If you know Steve and I, then you know how crazy we are and how we wanted to put the Brady Bunch and Partridge family to shame with our own large group of rug rats, donning my dimples and his freakishly large feet. Needless to say, this news really changed the direction of those plans.

 

So here I am, my body pretty beat up (one of our nurses told us she can't remember seeing someone lose as much blood as I eventually did), my future pregnancy plans changed. But here is the deal, I was okay. I had this beautiful little girl who came out of this whole thing unscathed. She is healthy and eating and sleeping. My wounds will eventually heal, my body will slowly recoup, my plans while changed in our minds have always been given to God. There was peace and understanding that God was working the entire time. I have sometimes wondered why God could not have made my body more strong, better equipped and I am realizing that he has, he's made my body strong enough to get through these things, strong enough to heal and surive.

 

Once I was home, I came across a scripture that my cousin's beautiful wife Denise had posted...

"The Lord will give strength to His people; The Lord will bless His people with peace." Psalm 29:11

 

I quickly realized why I had been okay in this situation, I am his, and because of this I am strong, because I am his I have peace.

 

You see God's love for us is perfect, it is flawless. This will never make me or my life perfect or flawless. I will still have trials, I can still be shaken, my world can be rocked, my body twisted, it will not always be easy or pretty, but here is the silver lining...here is the beauty of it all, God has made his people strong, he will give his people peace! It's what I felt, it's a promise, it's real.

 

Lastly, through all of this there are beautiful blessings that await me and my family.

 

"So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye.  The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever." - 2 Corinthians 4: 16-18 (MSG)

 

 

 "In God we boast all day long, and praise Your name forever. Selah"

-Psalm 44:8

 

TRADITIONAL TREES

So, our Holiday Season, started off like a country song. Our dog went missing. Thanksgiving Night in the cold, dark, streets of South Sacramento, while some of you were hitting up black Friday sales, we were searching for a little three-legged black dog. The next day, our planned Christmas tree hunting day, we skipped and instead went hunting for our dog, hitting up animal shelters, putting up signs, yelling in the streets. Good ol' fashioned Holiday fun!

We eventually made it out to find a Christmas Tree. We visited our usual spot and searched for the perfect tree to cut down. We searched and searched. The kids got dirty and collected stuff. Each kid got a chance to ride on Daddy's shoulders for a better view, I snapped pictures...you know the usual stuff. My Holiday traditions, maybe your holiday tradition, by the look of the line of cars driving out with a tree, a bunch of other's tradition. After searching for what felt like hours with kids who were more interested in the dirt and fallen branches than finding an actual tree, Steve and I looked at each other and I think the light bulb went off in both of our heads...What are we doing?

 

So we left. 

 

No tree in tow.  

 

No kids crying about it.

 

We got away from being tied to a tradition that really wasn't that important. 

 

Later that night we regrouped and hit up a tree lot. One that did all the work for us. One that was lit up. One that forced you to snuggle and bundle up on a cold night. One that fit us. I don't think I've ever seen my kids this excited to pick a tree! It was magical for them, they ran around and chased each other. They each picked their favorite tree and in the end we went home with the prettiest tree we've ever had. Happy hearts, blurry pictures and a Christmas tree to start our season!

 

One thing I've come across when you become a mom, is that everyone wants to give you advice. The Holidays hold no exception. People will tell you the best place to get a tree, the best way to make Hot Chocolate, The types of gifts to get your kids (something they need, want, read...yada yada yada). Soon you start to think, "Maybe this is what I'm suppose to be doing."

 

I am so grateful that our Savior, our king was not born like a Traditional King. I'm so grateful that his story was much different from the world's and that his birth was out of love for us. This Holiday, I'm asking myself this, "Does it hold to a spirit of Love that God gave us when he gave us his son?" I don't want to hold so tightly to traditions that they overlook the beauty of the Season. A nontraditional birth deserves a little broken tradition, no? Don't be afraid to change those traditions, drop them, reassess them. So we're not chopping down a tree this year. I have yet to send out a Christmas card (It may not happen), and I returned that Elf on the Shelf, poor guy never even made it out of my car. Instead, we've made a mess painting ornaments (the aftermath has sat on my table for the last few days), we've cuddled and watched Polar express a hundred times, we've turned on our Nutcracker CD and danced around outdoing each others 'Ballet' moves. We are ushering in that Spirit of Love and not tradition. 

32 AND FREE

 

I turned 32 yesterday. I hit 30 weeks in my pregnancy and I got called an old lady twice. Just a few numbers I thought I'd start with. I feel great, I like this season in life. There's a lot of confidence, yet still a lot of discovery about myself and the woman God's continually molding.

A couple of weeks ago, I grabbed some lunch by myself after getting some routine lab work done. Hungry and alone in a full café, I was on the hunt for the perfect solo seat. I scanned my two options, an open seat by a window and a more secluded seat in a quiet corner. Like a moth I quickly gravitated to the light. As I sat down and prepared to eat, the conversation of the two young girls behind me became louder. Now, let me tell you something...I am not above the recreational eavesdropping  when sitting alone in a crowded café, coffee shop, bus...wherever! One of the girls was telling her friend about her "List" of qualities for her future husband. As she spewed off some of the 'Deal Breakers' such as, must play an instrument, must be a pastor or missionary, must bring her red roses, I began to rethink my choice in seat. I won't lie, my first instinct was to update my Facebook status, poking a little fun at the girl. I resisted the urge and tried to focus on my lunch. The girl continued her long list and every now and then would throw in an almost robotic "...but whatever God wants." I began to feel a little bad for her and all of the parameters she put on God and the man he had designed for her. I became grateful, that I never made one of those 'Lists' in my younger years, I became grateful that I gave God complete control over my future husband. More than anything, I became grateful that my husband never made a 'List' I doubt, 'Irrational' 'Loud' 'Quick-tempered' 'Strong-Willed' would have been on his list.

As I left the restaurant, the girls conversation began to resonate with me even more. I realized that true, I never made a 'List' for my future husband, but I was still guilty of the same crime this young girl had committed. I realized that the last few years I had been writing a list for God, every now and then I'll throw in an obligatory "...but whatever you want Lord" but still, I had given him my own set of parameters. Ask me how many children I want...4 biological, 2 adopted...God Willing. Ask me where I'd like to live one day...a home by my parents, not too big, but with a huge yard...God Willing. And my list continues...God Willing. I became overwhelmed with the lack of trust I have for God. I realize that had I made a 'List' while single, for my future husband, it would not have even come close to the amazing man God had already created for me. The qualities on that list would have seemed so trivial compared to the qualities God provided for me. Yet here I am, with a trivial list, knowing that God has a list of his own for me and my family. He has something much greater than I could ever anticipate, I just need to let go. I let go of  'Lists' and I say 'Lord, I want what you have for me' 'I want to go where you lead me' 'I want to live, walk, run, soar where you place me.' I am free when I put down the parameters I've set up for myself and for my God. I am free.

PUMPKIN PATCH PARENTING

Steve and I are in it with this parenting stuff. I mean we're becoming legit parents, with school and sports and talking little humans asking us questions! Lord, help us! I don't know how other parents feel, but half the time I feel like I'm winging it! On occasion I'll do something that will make me look like maybe I read a parenting book some time ago, but then I'll have something come up that throws me off.

We recently took Henry on his first school field trip to the pumpkin patch. Excited about the milestone, Steve and I both tagged along. During the field trip a little blond boy sort of pushed him, nothing to call Dr. Phil about, but enough to make my mommy blood boil. I wondered which little boy my son was, is he the one with no friends, the one that kids pushed aside? Sure, none of them were really doing secret handshakes or walking in unison, telling inside jokes, but just the idea of my son getting pushed around made me panic a little. I looked at my husband and said to him "We've got to switch schools, did you see that kid push him?" Steve assured me that pushing happens in all schools, and this is when I discover that I have loosely based my parenting strategies on the 80s hit...The Karate Kid. I explain to him, "My son is Ralph Macchio, and these other kids are those mean karate boys, the blond one. We know what happens, those boys were always beating up on him!" Thankfully my husband thinks more clearly than I do and gently tells me, "Yes baby, but he beat them in the end." I guess we can stick it out at this school, but my son definitely will be learning Karate!

I am probably certifiable when it comes to parenting, and I'm not referring to a parenting certificate. Too often have the words, "I'm sure I'm messing up my kids" been uttered out of my mouth, sometimes kidding and sometimes not. I have often prayed, "Lord, my kids are yours, I have no idea what I'm doing and I know you can do a much better job than I can" most of this is true, but this weekend I heard something at the convention that beat anything any parenting book could teach me. I trust God so much for everything in my life, I trust him with our finances, I trust him with my marriage, my problems, the big things and the little things. With all this trust, why can't I trust him that he picked the perfect mother for my kids? He picked this nutty, karate kid metaphor throwing, quick to react, mom. There is something in me he saw and needed to carry out his plans for my children and although I may not always understand why I have to trust that he knew what he was doing. I am grateful for a God who would choose me, who would give me a chance. Grateful for a God who maybe chuckles a little when he hears my 'Karate Kid' metaphors and still yet knows I can do the job he's given me.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths"
-Proverbs 3:5-6

AND THEN I BROKE

I have heard that if you go to MOMcon, there is a possibility you can come back changed. I know, the name sounds a little...silly...begs the question, did we learn how to change diapers, braid hair, sing lullabies?  No, No and No. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the amazing speakers and workshops, the lessons and scriptures that filled me this weekend, broke me, built me up, inspired me. First I'll share some pictures for those of you who come for those. I was a little too wrapped up to get many during the conference, but had fun snapping a few while out for coffee with my sister during a break.  

Inside the conference I was inspired. I could not wait to come home and write. One speaker after another I saw how God used women, wives, moms for mighty...MIGHTY purposes! On the last day I had so much stirring inside me and no clue where to start. I can tell you, if God has mighty plans for me, then he has his work cut out for him. Are you ever afraid to take that first step? I began to question what I would need to do, what would need to change, where would I start. As God stirred my heart, questions flooded inside my head, "Who do you want me to become Lord?" "What do you want me to do?" "What move do I make?" "What's next?"

 

I sat as the worship service began. I found myself alone in a full auditorium, I pushed out the thoughts, the noise that polluted my head and for a moment began to focus on the awesome God I served. I lifted my hands and I worshipped a God who uses the unprepared, the mediocre, the scared! Every thought, every fear I pushed out for that moment and focused, pressed in and praised God. In that moment I heard God whisper to me..."I want you just like this!" Let me tell you...I...was...broken. He did not want me to worry about what came next, he did not want me to think about who I needed to become, he wanted me...how I am...right now in this moment and pressed in to only him.

 

"I want you just like this"...He is looking for the most simple form of me. This is the Serena he will use, the one that although inspired and excited by the lives and words of others comes to him first...comes to him humbly...comes to him and instead of asking him a million questions, listens. Listens to his whispers, his directions, his plans for me.

 

"Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That’s the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself—Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration.” - John 4:23-24 (MSG)

 

"I gave them this command: Obey me, and I will be your God and you will be my people. Walk in obedience to all I command you, that it may go well with you. But they did not listen or pay attention; instead, they followed the stubborn inclinations of their evil hearts. They went backward and not forward." -Jeremiah 7:23-24 (NIV)

 

"With what shall I come before the Lord, and bow myself before the High God? Shall I come before Him with burnt offerings, with calves a year old? Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams,
Ten thousand rivers of oil? Shall I give my firstborn for my transgression, the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul? He has shown you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?" -Micah 6:6-8 (NKJV)

 

Friends, he is using us, you...me...your family. I pray that we hear his voice, we listen to his whispers, we come to him how we are, messed up, unpolished, overwhelmed, scared but eager to obey and let him show us what's next!  

BECOMING CHALK ARTIST

I have been going through some of our pictures that I took over the summer. The ones I'm sharing today are from Sacramento's Annual Chalk It Up event. It's amazing to see the progression of the kids from when we started at the event. I think it would not be an off statement to say, 'They came, They saw, They conquered'! I brought clean little children into the event, and when we left they had gotten to watch the chalk artist do their thing, they found some chalk of their own, they danced, they got their face painted and left as happy dirty 'chalk artist' in their own respect.

"But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven.”"  -Matthew 19:14 (NKJV)

 

For such is the Kingdom of Heaven! Heaven, made up of people, like these children. If Chalk it Up, could represent a little slice of life, then how do I stack up? When God walks me through, am I soaking in the wonder and beauty of the art that surrounds me? When he hands me the chalk, do I tell him that I'm no artist, or do I gratefully take it and jump right in? When he ask me if I want to get my face painted, do I laugh and say, no, I don't want to look silly? Or do I fully commit, and not only get my face painted, but I become a tiger and roar! Do I leave the same way I entered? Do my hands get dirty? Do I care? Do I find others willing to get covered in chalk and delight in the gift that God has given us?

 

Walk with me for a moment as I examine my faith, as I see how childlike it is. As I determine if I'm fully trusting God and depending on him like a child, with no inhibitions of where he will lead me.

 

"Then Jesus called a little child to Him, set him in the midst of them,  and said, “Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven.  Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."  -Matthew 18: 2-4 (NKJV)

 

 

PRESCHOOL AND PEP TALKS

And then it happened. The day just snuck up on me, I should have seen it coming, but I turned my back on it and suddenly it was here, tapping on my shoulder, pushing me aside and opening the door for Henry. That's right, Preschool. I'm going to warn you, this post has an overwhelming amount of pictures of my little guy on his first day, but it's a pretty big deal over here in this house.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm officially in it...I'm in this Motherhood thing big time! I've got to figure this whole mom of a 'big kid' thing out, because I don't know what I'm doing! School pick-ups, field trips, soccer practice. Thankfully there were no tears (from either of us), in fact, this kid was pretty excited and didn't look back twice after he said good bye. He even brought his little toy camera, just like mommy to take some first day shots of his own. 

And then, that was it...we officially had a preschooler. It should be noted that his sister took it very well...

The night before school I asked Henry what he might want to wear. I recommended one of his bow ties because I know it makes him feel handsome. He wasn't feeling it and his daddy teased me, assuring me that I would get our son beat up. I realized, this whole school thing might be tougher for me. I decided to keep my 'first day of school' pep talks to myself...or at least save them for another time. I wanted to tell him that if he got nervous or had trouble talking to the other kids, just sing because it makes him happy, and it would keep his mind off being nervous. Plus, who doesn't like to hear a good song? This is probably not the advice you give to a kid starting school...or so I'm told.

 

My heart a little discouraged, that I had no idea or sound advice to give my son, I began to think about Matthew 4. Matthew 4, is sort of the beginning of Jesus' ministry. Jesus had just been baptized, and now before he begins his work he is taken to the wilderness and tempted by Satan 3 times. I know...pretty serious thought to have considering my boy is just entering Preschool! I think I came to this thought, because while Jesus was tempted by Satan, and could have had a much 'easier' road had he just taken Satan up on what he was selling, he didn't. He remained true to himself, to his purpose, to who God created him to be. I think any parent has got to be proud when their child does not sell out who they are just for an 'easier' road or the road that does not get them 'beat up'

 

I wanted my son to start of his journey being himself, his wonderful, bow tie wearing, singing self or at least the sweet spirited boy God created. But he's doing great, even without the bow tie or singing or Mommy's awesomely awkward pep talks!